Be Famous! A simple how-to Guide to being Newsworthy

Posted on | May 6, 2009 |

How to become newsworthy; five easy steps

So many ridiculous things become news, and so many worthy things become news for merely a few seconds before being forgotten, that I’ve devised a whole series of hints for all you aspiring celebrities so that you can become a news feature that will catapult you to instantaneous fame.

First: Create a drama where there wasn’t one before. George Bush did it by creating a war where one didn’t need to be (Iraq) and then declaring it ‘won’. When he felt his ratings lagging he then declared the situation to be serious again and we would be unpatriotic to argue the point, thus creating an imagined schism between ‘patriots’ and ‘those who aren’t patriots’ when there had never been any such division until he mentioned it. Clever. If you need a more down-home example, consider the man who created an ice-cream truck orchestra. You know, those little vehicles that spew out goofy tunes and sell cold confections composed mostly of sugar and glue to kids. Yes. Those trucks. Well, that is quirky and newsworthy, and definitely something that hadn’t been there before. But what it needed was a follow up. Perhaps a protest by enraged citizens criticizing the products and the music, which could then be countered by a suit upholding civil liberties and alleging discrimination. That one could have been milked for years, but wasn’t.

Second: Be first out of a scenario. If you’re the person who gets out of the bank just as the hostages are taken you won’t actually have anything to do with the ‘situation’ at all. But you’ll be the only one who can be interviewed who was almost present, so you’ll get your 15 minutes of CNN, and then some. Meanwhile the poor unfortunates who actually are hostages will be stuck in terror, with a nightmare-inducing situation that will quite possibly render them speechless when they are rescued (if they’re rescued) and lead to years of therapy. And by then it’ll all be old news.

Third: Don’t suffer for too long. If an earthquake flattens your home and you’re destitute, don’t hang around. You’ll find that, five weeks later, there will barely be a follow up broadcast, let alone a second Red Cross blanket handed out, and then you’ll be nothing more than the ragged wretch in the background. And no one wants to be scenery on a news show.

Fourth: Be a survivor. Survive the earthquake, then move to a different city, where, five weeks later, you will be endlessly interviewed as to how you’re adapting. You can then complain about how unhelpful the new town is, how they don’t understand your trauma, and how poorly the government has behaved. Complain a lot, but don’t mention that it’s actually safer to be living in a town that isn’t shaken by earth tremors. And don’t whatever you do, be grateful, and don’t make a success of your new life. That gets almost no time on TV.

Five: Be good looking if possible (not essential), and if in doubt have an animal at hand - dogs are perfect for this especially if not thoroughbred. The dog, preferably, should be slightly injured. A white bandage around a paw is good. Always warms the TV anchorman’s heart, that one.

But perhaps you have more suggestions?

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